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Eddie Money
Hello? Yeah, hello. Hello? Yeah, this is Verne. United Par-- Who? Vernon. United Parcel Service. How ya doin'? United Parcel Service? What do you need? Well, I just need to know, uhhh, directions to get there on your shipment here today. Ooh, uhh, directions on a shipment-- Wha-- What'you-- What'you want an address? We got about-- Yeah. We got Oliver, our best driver, on his way down there. What are you s-- What is-- I don't even know what you're bringing down. I can't figure it out. Well, we've gotta have a signature and we need a check prepared and, uhh, need directions. That's about it. Okay, umm... Is this-- What kind of item is it? What are you bringing down here? Well, I don't know. Gravel or somethin'. Gravel? You're bring gravel down? This is, uh-- I'm on the road right now. Okay. Well, let me start over for ya. We need a signature, we need a check-- Is this for Edward Mahoney? UPS. Yeah, but what's-- what's the client's name? The customer's name? It's-- I-- It's on the package. I can't see it from here. I'm on the dock. Mmm. Alright. So, we need a certified check today in the amount of fourteen hundred and eighty-two dollars even. You know what, we have-- There's gotta be a mistake, buddy. Because I wouldn't order anything for fourteen hundred dollars. Now w-- what would I need gravel for? You know who you're talking to? That's none of my concern. Oliver-- Do you know who Oliver is? Our driver? No. I have no idea. Well, you're gonna meet him in about ten, fifteen minutes. I'm gonna meet him at-- at-- at-- at where I'm at right now? Wherever you are. It's on the label. I can't see it from here. I'm workin' here. I understand. Uhhh, there's gotta be some sort of mistake. Because I'm Eddy Money the singer. And I'm at the Mohegan Sun right now. Gettin' ready to do a show. Now there's-- I wouldn't have any reason in the world to buy gravel, buddy. Well, I think you made the mistake if you... changed your mind on the product... or whatever. No. I don't think I bought any-- I really-- I don't think I bought any-- any kind of product at all. What d'you guys sell? Well, I can promise you that you did. I'm looking at a digital signature. Edward Mahoney? I've worked here for twenty-four years now. What do you guys sell out there. United Parcel Service. We deliver parcels all day long and you're making that real difficult right now. I really don't mean to do that, sir. I have no idea. I gotta get ready to go on. I-- I don't know what-- what to tell you or... somebody's coming over to pick up a check. Is he gonna come and give me the check-- I gotta sign the check on stage... in fifteen minutes? You can cut me a check-- I don't really understand what's going on here. I really don't. Close everything up. I'll tell you what-- up ----------------------------------------------------- Rigning Hello? Yeah. Hi. This is Oliver. Uh, UPS. Oliver, this is Eddie Money. I really don't know what you're talking about. I've got a lady here that deals with UPS. She's coming downstairs right now. But I have no-- I don't see any reason why I'd order fourteen hundred dollars worth of gravel, buddy. You can send an online-- ? would I need gravel? What's up? the lady who deals with UPS Talk to this guy. You can send an online pay-- Lady Hello? Yeah. Hi. I w-- Who is this? I'm Oliver. United Parcel Service. Uh huh. I was just in the process of getting a credit card number. Getting a credit card number? Yeah. For what? For, uh, C.O.D. this fella ordered here. What is the product or whatever? I'm with UPS. Right. Right. It's from-- What s-- What-- Wh-- C.O.D. for what? Uh, it's, uh, fourteen hundred pounds of gravel. Fourteen hundred pounds of gravel? Give or take a hundred pounds. Yeah. Money in background Is it going here or the house in LA or Florida? For... J-- For... In Florida or in California? Where's the gravel going? It's going to a residence. Money ? Well, I know. But.. We have-- You've got the wrong UPS number or something. Uhhh, I'm looking at a digital signature. Of... Ed Mahoney? I can't make it out but it authorized the charge, so... Where are we supposed to dump this stuff? Money Don't bother bringing it. Don't bring it. I don't know where you're gonna-- Well, we're-- W're here. There's a lady standing here. I don't know what to tell her. blaring saxophone can be heard in the background Okay. Where are you... with... the gravel? I'm sitting at the residence. There's a lady here yelling at me. I don't know what to tell her. continues to be audible in the background I mean, where are you with the gravel? I'm in my vehicle. I mean, where are you gon-- Where are you wanting to dump it?... In Los Angeles? Thereabouts. Yeah. I don't know exactly I'm just a-- Do you want to talk to this woman or is-- She wants to talk-- Yes. --to hi-- Okay. I'll take her. Go ahead. I can't-- I can't reach that far. But-- He has no idea what it's for. If you just tell him to give me the credit card number, we'll authorize the delivery and we'll be done. But he doesn't want it. Well-- He doesn't know where it's going or what it's for. It's a little late... to change his mind. We're already sittin' here with, uh-- I just drove forty miles. I need the address of where you're actually going to dump it. I got-- I got a puppy dog running around chasing people around out here. Pause sigh He's a singer. He's he's not home. He doesn't know where-- who ordered the gravel or anything. Can you tell him there's a puppy dog running around here... snappin' at stuff? What's the lady's name out there that's yelling at you? L- Lorraine. Lorraine? What's her last name? I don't-- She won't tell me. We've got gravel spilling out and dogs running around and ladies... She says there's a lady-- ... hopping up and down... --yelling at him and there's dogs running around. Her name's Lorraine. Money I don't know what he's talking about. He's in Los Angeles. I'm here at the property. I'm ready to make the shipment to deliver it. Hang on. He's calling his wife. Just a hang on. Money (hard to understand) - I can't call my wife on this phone. 1400 pounds of gravel? Where is she gonna put it? (hard to hear background noise) Here Ed. There, dial. Can you just have him call off the dogs please, ma'am? Money 1400 pounds of gravel? Yeah, he said 'Just have him call off the dogs'. How are you gonna call off the dogs? Have that lady call off the dogs, we're in Connecticut. She's not cooperating. The lady won't call off the dogs. Money It's only a basset hound (unintelligible). Is it a basset hound? I can't say for sure, it's snappin' and yappin' at me. (pause) Would you tell him this thing's snappin' and yappin'? Pardon me? (unintelligible) Do what? Would you just tell him that this dog is snappin' and yappin' at me? Money I have no idea, she doesn't know anything about any gravel. It isn't his wife. You've got a wrong number, wrong address, wrong something. Like hell I do. I'm lookin' right at a puppy dog. Well, you might be looking at a dog, but it's not hi...wha...can you give me a physical address? This...this gravel is aquamarine in color, and it's real heavy. And it's... It's aquamarine colored gravel? Money Aqua, did you order aqua, did you order aquamarine colored gravel, Laurie? No, right? I don't think I ordered that from Florida either. They're in L.A. with it, they're sitting in front of the house looking at a dog. Money They're sitting in front of a house in L.A. looking at a dog. Are you home in L.A. Laurie? I don't know (unintelligible) I gotta go, I'll see you later. You got the...You got the wrong number. It's real hot out here, this dog is snapping at me. What do you suggest I do? Uh, find out the real physical address that you need to deliver it to, because... I'm sitting here, I just need a credit card number. But you've got the wrong person. He's going on stage right now. he a singer, he, his show is starting right now. He cannot talk again for two hours. (sigh) I need a signature, and I need a check, and I need someone to leash this thing up here. Before I set foot out there. Right, but you're not at...Who are you trying, who do you think you're talking to? I don't know who I'm talking to ma'am. Ok, you've obviously...I'm not trying to be rude to you, you're just doing your job, I understand that. But you've got a wrong number. We are in Connecticut, his wife is in California, but you are at the wrong address. I mean you might be at the right address, but you've got the wrong number to pay for it. Ok, uh, well we'll just send it back to the dock. Yeah, send it back and if they, whoever it belongs to can call you, because you really got the wrong number. Ok, thank you. Uh huh, bye. (Hang up sound) - (Ring) Hello? Hello, this is, uh, Archie over at UPS. How are ya? Archie? What, is this about the gravel again? Is that what you're gonna hit me with? No, no, no. No, no. The aqua gravel, is that what this is all about? We got...(sigh) What we've got is, we've got about fifteen hundred pounds of peat moss out here, that we're stuck with. Buddy boy, let me explain something to you. I never ordered any peat moss. I'm divorced from my fucking wife. She's got the house, I live in the Motel 6. There's no way in the world i was gonna turn around and order fucking fourteen hundred pounds of peat moss for my ex-wife. You guys are, you, you're outta your mind! I had nothing to do with this bill. Nothing! You guys are delivering to the wrong house. Where are you delivering this peat moss to? Well, I can't see it from here, but uh... WAIT A MINUTE! You keep talking you can't see it from here. You don't fucking see it, and you can't find out where the fuck it's going, why the fuck are you calling me back? Every time you assholes call me, you tell me 'I can't see the package'. Leave me the fuck alone, will ya? Wha...How about just cutting a check for us? - (ring) Hello? Yeah, hello, this is uh, Ernie at UPS. I'm an administrator out here. And I uhh, looking at a balance due here...and I wanted to touch base on it. (pause) Is this regarding the aqua gravel? Well, it's, ahhh, I got it marked as manure, or something or other, I don't know. Well, you know what? Look, I never ordered that, and this is the fifth phone call I've gotten from UPS on this thing. I have not ordered any aqua gravel, I don't need aqua gravel for anything, and you guys keep calling me and bugging me about this aqua gravel. I never ordered this aqua gravel, aqua gravel. You will not find my name, you will not find my signature, you won't find my wife's signature, and you won't even tell me where the gravel's going to. Everytime I ask you where the gravel's going to, you go 'Oh, the box is on the other side of the room'. Where do you got the gravel going to? Well I'm on the dock, sir. Well, well,we...you know, you can't keep calling me up and telling me 'you got fourteen hundred,' you guys are so goddamn fucking unprofessional, I can't believe it. So go fuck yourself! Well how about an online payment? (hang up sound) - (ring) Hello?...HELLO!?! Yeah, you got United Parcel here, pardner...Anybody there? Excuse me? You got United Parcel calling. (pause) And uh, according to my notes, we are in need of an online payment from you, at this time. You know what, good buddy? What's that? You better call somebody else now, and stop bugging me about something I never fucking ordered. Gimme the address where it says you're sending it to! Come on wise ass! Come on, you never gave me the address of the, of, of anything about this thing. You're full of shit. You better leave me alone, or I'll trace this phone call and call the cops and have you guys arrested. You got that? (sigh) I think that... (unintelligible) you stupid shithead! Leave me the fuck alone! (hang up sound) - Track end. External links Eddie Money on wikia Category:Celebrities Category:Special delivery